By Brian Falzarano
More than any other day of the year, music sets the mood on Valentine's Day. However, you want to set the right mood or else romance could turn to ridicule and you could find yourself single. This said, avoid adding these 14 love songs to your Cupid's day playlist at all costs.
Remember “Sweet Emotion”? “Walk This Way”? You will want to run away from this unfathomably bad tune that makes some Michael Bolton sound like Metallica. Why the Toxic Twins took this Diane Warren tune for the forgettable flick “Armageddon” … there are no words.
So much for the whole being greater than the sum of its chart-topping parts. Outside of being the theme song for a junior-high prom, this is a career-low for both artists.
When they first broke, our native sons rocked with crossover appeal. They stopped teasing their hair so much and coasted on banal lyrics such as the one featured in this 1994 tune: “I'll be there till the stars don't shine/Till the heavens burst/And the words don't rhyme.” Unlike the title of their box set, 100 million Bon Jovi fans can be wrong.
After giving us a string of radio-friendly rockers in the mid-1980s, he ruined Canadian exports with this overly glammed-up come-on that is as cringe-worthy as “I lost my number, can I have yours?” It could have been worse: He also did a song called “(I Wanna Be) Your Underwear” that is not available for view on YouTube.
Good grief, the 1970s were a cultural wasteland. Sadly, Toni Tennille sang this shlocky song at the White House which included these lyrics even Disney would deem corny: “Nibblin' on bacon/Chewin' on cheese/Sammy says to Susie won't you please be my missus/And she says yes with her kisses.” No one should have critiqued disco with this musical low point in circulation.
For as much as “Titanic” tugs at the heartstrings, this song – overdone as only Celine Dion can overdo it – has devolved into farcical cliché through the years. There is nothing worse than a love song oversung while trying to pack every trite romantic line into three-plus minutes. At least the SNL skits about her were funny.
Sure, it shot up the charts in the early 1980s, but it almost entirely eroded the equity this Windy City band built as a fun band drawing from all sorts of eclectic influences. The lyrics are as clichéd as saying “Hey baby, what's your sign” in a bar around midnight: “You're the meaning in my life/You're the inspiration.” A 180-degree turn from “Colour My World.”
Perhaps people are romantics at heart. Or perhaps people had enough of Dan Fogelberg in the 1970s so that this sounded relatively good. To this day, it sounds like 2 a.m. karaoke over elevator music. My parents had multiple Village People records, which never bothered me the way it should. But if they had this, it would have prompted a request for DNA testing.
Earnest, eager and overly cloying, from the opening lines of “My life is brilliant/my heart is pure/I saw an angel/of that I'm sure.” This became a one-hit wonder, although the video where he jumps into the ocean – we wish he took this song with him.
We could have picked “Daughters” but the sheer sentiment here is so transparent. Aspiring songwriters, take heed: Using the phrases “your candy lips” and “swim in a deep seat of blankets” are as bad as asking “Come here often?”
Seriously: What were people thinking in the 1970s? Great, loving someone is easy because they are beautiful – never heard that before. And then her attempting to emote like Celine/Christina/Mariah did in later years sounds like something being mutilated.
People share good news like this everyday. And we are happiest for prospective fathers when they avoid saying things like this to the future mother of their child: “You're a woman in love and I love what's goin' through ya.” Really?
From his early days as a Motown prodigy, producing romantic mainstays such as “My Cherie Amour” and “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” … well, there were these two unfortunate mid-1980s missteps sound like elongated commercial jingles. How bad are these compared to his back catalogue? If these were holiday songs, they would be ho-ho-rrific.