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Health & Fitness

Helping a Friend Cope with a Tragic Death

Learn helpful ways to support someone who has experienced a tragic loss.

Here are some thoughts on how to support a friend, neighbor or co-worker who has experienced a tragic death.

Simply be there. Keep your friend company. You don’t need to say something profound or do anything earthshaking. Just let your friend know that you are there for them and that you will be there for whatever it is they need, if that's true. Just being present, without having to say too much can be a great comfort. Then your friend will knows that if she wants or needs to talk she can, but doesn't have to.

Asking a general question, “What can I do?” can be too difficult to answer in the days and weeks after a tragic death. Your friend may feel overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. It helps to be more specific with questions like, “Do you need groceries?” “Do you need a ride to the…?" "Would you like me to pick up your children at school?"

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Please don’t wait for your friend to call you. Please initiate contact and you can even suggest some activities. Respect that your friend may be feeling very tired but please don't let that discourage you from contact. Sometimes a brief check in call, a text or stopping in for a cup of coffee are much appreciated.  Often grieving people, especially those who have lost someone in a violent death, tend to feel isolated and alone, as people around them don't know what to say and may avoid them. Often they won’t reach, because it takes energy to do that and may be difficult for them to reach out and ask for help.

Tell them you are around to listen to them any time and really be there. (Of course, if you can’t or are too uncomfortable, please don’t offer). Many grievers remember empty promises that many make but don't keep. Offer a shoulder to cry on, open your heart to their pain. The greatest gift we can offer is the gift of our undivided attention that allows the person to share their story, if they want to, instead of holding it all inside. Please don't ask them about details, unless they want to share them. And then, take please care of yourself. If it is too difficult for you to hear be honest.

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Help him to remember the good things. Share memories and listen when he share his own memories. If he begins to show his emotions outwardly, know that you haven’t made him upset, you simply have created a safe space for him to open up a bit more open in your presence, which is a compliment to your presence. You may want to share a story, a photo, a song or something that you remember fondly about the person. Those stories are priceless.

Listen, listen and listen some more. They may need to tell the story again and again as a way to begin to process their enormous grief. Please don’t judge your friend even if they say something that seems outrageous. Please do not ask about any details, unless the friend initiates that and wants  to “tell you the story” and you are willing or able to listen.

Be careful of cliches, religious platitudes or easy answers. These don't help. You may not be able to help with certain issues right now, so don’t be too quick to share your opinions if they say something you don’t agree with. They need time to work things out in their own way and own time. Most of these statements wind up making a bereaved friend feel misunderstood or angry.

Don’t tell a bereaved parent that at least she has other children or she can have more, or at least she had her child for that many years. And don't tell them stories of families that have had it even worse. It isn't a competition of loss. Don’t tell the person that you know exactly what they are going through, even if you lost someone in a violent way. It isn’t ever the exact same thing because people have different relationships and we are all different.

Do send a note of condolence, however brief, written in your own words, rather than a store bought card. This is especially true if you can’t be there in person. It may seem like a trivial act, but it is often experienced with incredible impact; people even in the deepest shock or despair usually recall for many years and with absolute precision, who spoke out of comfort to them and who did not.

Be there after the first wave is over too.  Often in the early days and weeks, many people are around to help, but as the weeks and months go by, less people are around. People tend to go back to their lives and forget. Your friend cannot forget what happened.  That is a very good time to call or visit.

Most importantly: please don’t run away. Even if you are uncomfortable, try to stay with the grieving friend. At times you may feel uneasy seeing sides of him or her that you have never seen before. Do not judge. And please know that you can't “fix” anything that has happened or make it "all better",  but your being there, in whatever way you can, is of great importance.

Be on the lookout for destructive behaviors. Traumatic loss can lead some into depression, alcohol, or drug abuse. They may need an extra eye on them while things are especially tough.

Remember that humor can be a good diversion. Laughter is good medicine. And as Bill Cosby said, whose son was tragically killed, “Through humor you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

Be willing to do the difficult things with your friend. Maybe they need someone to go to court with them, or a safe space to rage. Or help with the funeral or afterwards.

Learn about grief. Read books that are helpful or articles such as the ones on my website: www.griefspeaks.com  as well as order the two books listed below.

Help your friend find support and inspiration. No one friend can be the entire support system to a griever.  Encourage him or her to create a support network which may include other friends, a religious group, a support group, on-line support, relatives and more. Encourage healthy outlets too such as exercise, writing, art, meditation, yoga etc. Know that often a poem or song will speak to your friend in ways that no one else can. Talking to someone in a support group that also lost someone in tragic way may also help them to know that they are not alone. Find a list of support groups on: www.selfhelpgroups.org 

Have patience and confidence that your friend will eventually begin to heal. And also know that they will grieve for the rest of their lives. Some days will be better than others. One day they hope to reach a point when the good days outnumber the bad. That will be a major milestone.

Two wonderful books: What To Do After the Police Leave - A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss by Bill Jenkins (filled with simple, frank and useful advice vital to families suffering a traumatic loss. Written by a father whose 16 year old son was killed in a robbery while working his second night at a restaurant). Good book for months later as well.

A Grief Like No Other: Surviving the Violent Death of Someone You Love  by Kathleen O'Hara.  A Therapist and mother whose college-aged son was murdered. This book which focuses on violent death including suicide, drug overdose, and death by homicide and drunk drivers, is a great resource for families. This book finds real answers to the most difficult question of all: How do I go on after losing someone I love to violence?

I hope that this will help you to be of greater support the next time someone you know unfortunately might need it. 

Lisa Athan,

Grief Speaks

Please find helpful info on my website as well as the following facebook pages: www.facebook.comGriefSpeaks4Teens and www.facebook.com/GriefSpeaks

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