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Health & Fitness

Helping Teens When a Loved One is Dying

Learn some helpful ways to support teens when they are losing a loved one. This can help teens, their friends and the adults who care about them.

Helping Teens When a Loved One is Dying:
 
Many teens have questions when a loved one is very ill and may die soon. They often wonder if they are going to die? They want to know what hospice is? They may secretly blame themselves for their loved one's illness or impending death. They wonder if they should visit and if so what to do on the visit? They also worry about how they are going to cope.

 Sometimes when people get very sick, doctors, medicine and other treatments won't cure them so eventually they are going to die. Many teens that have a loved one with an illness or disease will want to learn all they can about that particular illness. Some will speak to the physicians as well as read up on it. It helps teens when parents keep them informed of any changes in their loved one's health status.

Hospice is a program that provides care and support for someone who has an advanced illness. Often care is provided in the person's home or in another comfortable setting. When someone is receiving hospice care, it means that the person often has been diagnosed with having six months or less to live. Hospice helps the person to die while being as comfortable as possible, while being cared for by family and friends. Hospice staff can be wonderful in explaining changes to a teens' loved one as well as encouraging the family to participate as much as they want to in supporting their loved one.  

Teens, like children sometimes worry that they may have caused the illnessin their loved one somehow. That is not true and it is important to tell teens that they didn't cause the illness. Often children and sometimes teens suffer with magical thinking which makes them think that their thoughts or words can cause things to happen. Even when they got angry at the person or said something to the person in anger, the person didn't get sick from that. Death is a natural part of life.  

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Visiting a loved one who is dying can be very important for a teen's grieving process. Teens, like children should be given a choice about visiting a dying loved one but only after discussing it with them. It can be more emotionally draining for a teen to visit a dying loved one than it is for a child, as often a teen understands the impending death more than a younger child may. Let the teen know that their loved one may enjoy the visit and it is a nice chance for a teen to say what he needs to say, even if the person can't speak. Some teens share that they were able to say, "I love you", "Thank you", "Forgive me for" "I forgive you".  Today with so many loved ones far away or in the case when a teen can't visit, video chatting, a phone call or even email can be helpful to create an important connection. Sometimes the dying loved one doesn't want to be seen on the computer screen but actually studies have shown that children appreciate seeing their loved one (if they are prepared for how the person may look). Many adults fear that this last image will be how the teen remembers the person, when in fact, over time, the teen will remember the person as they were before the illness. However it is important to abide by the dying person's wishes.   

Some teens want to say goodbye because it helps them face the death. After the death, many who had a last visit will find comfort in knowing that they got a chance to say important things to their loved one that they needed and wanted to say. Some teens (and adults) worry that the last image of the loved one ill will be all they remember. But in time, the last picture of the person will fade and be replaced with memories of the person when they were healthy.  

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Before a visit a teen could ask a parent or other adult what to expect on their visit and how the loved one will look. It also can be helpful to call ahead to ensure that the person is going to be in the room at that time and available for a visit. Sometimes people have rushed up to for a visit only to find the person was being bathed or having tests done and that they needed to wait around for some time.

Bring something such as a drawing, a letter or a photo. Share with your loved one, even if they can't speak, talk about what you have been up to lately. Talk about old memories you had with this loved one as well. 

On the visit if you see medical equipment that is unfamiliar to you, ask a nurse or doctor about it. If the loved one has tubes or machines hooked up to them it is to help them stay comfortable.  

Talk to your loved one just like you have in the past. Sometimes the person may be tired, groggy or appear to be sleeping, but they can still hear you. Even if they are in a coma, they can hear you. Play your loved one's favorite music on an iPod if you have one and know what they like.  Often putting on a television show or a game that you have enjoyed watching together in the past can also be nice to share now.

Many often share that on a visit they talk to their loved one, read a book or newspaper to their loved one, straighten out blankets, hold hands, or just sit and enjoy their time together, even if in silence.

If a teen wants to hug, kiss or touch their loved one, ask the loved one, their parent or other adult if possible.  Most dying people like the same amount of touching as they did before the illness. It is important to be gentle with any touch. Washing hands is important. This protects the loved one from any additional infections.  

Some teens visit and find that their loved one is not feeling well or not acting him or herself. This doesn't mean that it is because of something the teen did. It simply means that the medicine or illness is making them act differently.  

After the visit a teen may have many different feelings.

Those feelings may linger for sometime after the visit. A teen may feel sad, scared, angry, lonely, guilty or even anxious. Teens benefit greatly from talking about these feelings to a trusted adult, a school counselor, even a hotline volunteer. Friends can help too, although many teens will share that their friends find it awkward and don't know what to say. It helps to encourage a teen friend to simply listen and provide support as needed. Let teens know that the grief process is hard for adults too, to deal with all of the feelings around dying and death.

Exercise, walks in nature, music, art, writing in a journal, and other helping outlets are very important at this time for children, teens as well as adults to help in the grief process. Never be afraid to ask for help.

There are hotlines such as the 2nd Floor Youth Hotline for youth between the ages of 10-24 to call about anything on their minds. That number is: 1-888-222-2228. It is 24/7 and is run by well-trained volunteers.   Sometimes teens prefer sharing how they feel with a complete stranger rather than friends or family.

Let teens know that it is absolutely normal to think about death. It is often on a teen's mind more when a loved one is close to death. They may worry about who will die next and then feel quite anxious. Reassure them that just because their loved one is dying doesn't mean that any other family member will die soon. Although everyone will die, most people really do live past seventy years old.   

Teens often worry about who will take care of them. Teens need to talk to a trusted adult about this especially if the loved one dying is a parent. "If one parent is dying, what will happen to them if the other one were to die?" is a common fear among children and teens. It is important for many children to know and be told what the plan would be. As scary as it is for parents to think about, it actually provides comfort and security to children to know that they will always have someone to care for them.  

For more resources for teens and children coping with a seriously ill loved one, please visit my website: www.griefspeaks.com  

My latest Grief Speaks Newsletter just was published yesterday has two articles are about teens and children coping with a dying loved one, and at the bottom of the articles are books, websites and other resources to help teens and to help adults help teens in their grief.

 

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~ Philo of Alexandria

"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone." ~ Mitch Albom

 

Take care of yourself and take care of those around you,

Lisa Athan

 

Please "like" Grief Speaks on Facebook, along with "Grief Speaks 4 Teens"

And subscribe or watch my videos on YouTube under Griefspeaker

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