When Grieving Kids Go Back to School: How Schools Can Help

Children and teens may experience many different losses in their lives, including an illness or death of a loved one (or less than loved one), a move, parental separation, loss of home or possessions (as many have experienced with Hurricane Irene), loss of pets, loss of friends and more.

Starting a new school year can be very stressful. However for students who have had a loss, transition times tend to be especially challenging or even overwhelming for some. There are certain things that a school's faculty and staff should be aware of to best help students who are returning to school and coping with some type of loss in their lives.

An important goal when supporting students coping with loss: Help to decrease their sense of isolation. Grieving students often pull back from family as well as peers. They may not know how to talk about their loss. Often peers ignore talking about the loss. Some feel distracted or overwhelmed and less able to keep up with the usual social give-and-take of their friends. Students also don't want to be singled out or seen as a victim. This can be a lonely and troubling consequence of children's grief. When teachers and other caring adults address the topic of loss or grief in school, they provide all children with knowledge, skills and increased comfort so that they are more able to share their feelings and receive and offer support.

Being with Grieving Children:

• Be present and authentic
• Listen more, talk less
• Avoid trying to "cheer up" students
• Allow emotional expression
• Demonstrate empathy
• Set limits and stop harmful reactions when safety is a concern
• Follow routines
• Be aware of and sensitive to "triggers

Things to Avoid:

• Do not suggest that the student has grieved enough
• Do not indicate that the student should get over it and move on.
• Don't expect the student to complete all assignments on a timely basis.  
• Don't act as if nothing has happened.
• Don't say things like:

"It could be worse, you still have one brother"

"I know how you feel"  

"You'll be stronger because of this"

"You must be incredibly sad, angry..."

"I know this is difficult but just try to think of the good things in life"

"I lost both parents when I was your age"

"You'll need to be strong for your family."

Instead say:

I can only imagine how difficult is must be for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. If you want to talk, I am here or you can speak with someone else. You also don't have to talk about it.

I wonder what this is like for you, or I wonder how you are feeling right now.

Most people have strong feelings when something like this happens. Has that been true for you?

What have the last few days been like for you?

How can I help you while you are in school? (school work, unstructured times)

What helps you when you are feeling a lot? In school as well as out of school. Perhaps have the student make a list of safe adults to speak to in and out of school, and a list of safe and healthy things that help him/her to feel safer, calmer, and a bit better.

Things That Help:  

Listen without judgment.

Acknowledge the loss and show you care if you do.

Know that you can't take away the pain, fear, loneliness or feeling of being different or "fix it".  Understand your role is not to get rid of those feelings, but to provide a safe atmosphere where they can be expressed (if the student wants to).  

Comprehend that the student's life has changed forever and will never be the same.

Allow for grief, anger, sorrow and other feelings.

Provide a support group in the school for grieving students. 

Provide structure and routine with flexibility.

Respect the beliefs of the griever, even if different from your own.Culitvate an attitude of openness and acceptance of differing customs/traditions.

For Teachers in a Classroom:

Discuss how difficult it may be for their classmate to return to school, and how they may be of help.  You can ask the class for ideas about how they would like others to treat them if they were returning to school after a death or other loss, pointing out differences in preference. (Some students like to be left alone; others want the circumstances discussed freely). Most grieving students say that they want everyone to treat them the same way that they were treated before. As a rule, they don't like people being "extra nice". They don't want to be in the spot light but also don't want people acting like nothing happened. It can be a tough balance.

Provide a way for your class to reach out to the grieving classmate and his or her family. Often classes will make cards for the student. They may send notes or pictures to the child and family, letting them know that the class is thinking of them. I know of many adults who still have those notes made for them years ago in class after they had a loss. In the notes many peers share memories they may have of the person if they knew them.

Provide flexibility and support to your grieving students upon his or her return to class.  Recognize that your student will have difficulty concentrating and focusing on school work. Allow the bereaved student to leave the class when she is needing some quiet or alone time. Some students will have a pre-planned sign to the teacher or place something on their desk to let the teacher know that they want to leave for a bit to see a counselor, nurse or other staff member.  Try to make sure the student has a person always available to talk with or just be with especially in the early days and weeks. Many are happy to talk with their teacher. Sometimes allowing a student to call home at lunchtime to touch base with a parent for a couple of minutes in the early days and weeks after a death of a loved one or other traumatic event can be enough to help him/her get through the rest of the day.   

*Excerpted from the September Issue of the Grief Speaks Newsletter (to sign up or for more information on ways to support grieving children, teens or adults, including book titles, visit the Grief Speaks website: www.griefspeaks.com   

   Thank you for being a caring adult in the life of a child.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, a compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." ~ Leo Buscaglia

Take care,

Lisa