Freedom in the Dents, Because No One is Perfect

I can still remember the very first dent I got in my Honda Odyssey years ago in a grocery store parking lot. I came out and saw it immediately on my passenger side door.  Either someone  must have opened their car door into my door or a run away grocery cart must have hit it.  I remember feeling upset that my car was no longer “perfect”.  However, a few minutes later I was struck by the freedom that came from having that first dent.

How much energy in our lifetimes do we expend trying to maintain a perfect image to others?  We all know that no one is perfect. Speaking for myself, I am far from perfect. Yet, I know that I spent a lot of energy in my life trying to seem all together to others while inside not feeling that at all.  Today I want to use my energy for more important things.

Last year I was contacted by some folks in Louisiana to come out and do presentations on grief and loss.  They had lost many teens to drug addiction and suicide. One night after I did a talk in a mega-church, an older man in his 70′s approached me. He had tears in his eyes. As he spoke I could feel his pain.  He shared with me that his oldest son was lying in a hospital bed dying from a meth addiction that had destroyed two of his organs. He paused and tears rolled down his cheeks. He then slowly and quietly confided to me that his other son was so addicted to meth that he had sold his granddaughters into prostitution to maintain that addiction. He cried. I cried at the pain and loss that addiction has brought to him and so many other families. We stood silently for a while. But then he said something I wasn’t expecting. He said a bit loudly, “See this gorgeous church? Look around. It looks so beautiful doesn’t it?” I nodded. This church had thousands of seats.  “We all come here, thousands of us every Sunday and come together in our Sunday best. We look great. We smile and tell each other how great things are. Yet there are people here who are grieving over losses due to addiction, suicide, children with mental illness, divorce, affairs, gambling problems, estranged relationships, loss of faith, job loss, abuse, poverty and so much more. But no one could possibly know that, as we all work hard to maintain our perfect image to one another. It seems so much more important to look good than to risk being honest which may destroy our perfect church going image. What would happen if one Sunday, we all came in and were honest. What if we all shared what was really going on in our homes, with our families and in our hearts and minds? We would cry. We would feel compassion for one another. We could really come together and support each other, cry on one another’s shoulder, hug each other, help each other, heal each other and love each other. That is why we come here to church isn’t it?  What a true community that would be.”  I was without speech. I stood there and took in his words. I cried. I hugged him.

I l told him that I loved what he said and that I agreed with him. I told him that I wished that people felt free enough to let go of these false images and instead take the chance to be vulnerable and authentic, to be real and share from our hearts what is really going on. What if we could ask for help and actually get that help. We can’t get help if we keep up an image that all is well and all is okay. Every time we take a chance to be real we open the door for someone else to also be honest and open. Life is hard. It is much harder when we don’t tell anyone what is going on. Sharing our pain lessens the pain.

Today I can show my dents or imperfections to the world. I don’t try to hide them. I can’t if I tried anyway, as there are way too many to count.  But that is okay. There is tremendous freedom in that for me. No longer will I use up my energy to maintain a certain image to appear that I or my family or my car is perfect. Instead I am going to use that energy to reach out to others, to share my imperfections, through my speaking and writing and coffee talks, while being open and honest and asking for help when I need it. I hope that this may inspire some of you to share your own pain and fears and concerns with others as well. Please ask for help when you need it. We all need help and we all enjoy helping.

There is freedom in not trying to be perfect anymore. Try it yourself. I think you will be glad to have all of that extra energy to use for more important things in your own life.

Take good care of yourself,

Love you,

Lisa Athan