Next Exit: Bathroom From The Future

So I'm considering re-doing our downstairs bathroom. It's time.  Out of all the bathrooms in our house, this one probably sees the most action, mostly in the form of muddy handprints on the towels and walls, Lego people jammed in the drains, and those mysterious sneaker prints near the ceiling.  I don't even ask anymore.  Even I have my limits.

You would think re-doing a bathroom would be a relatively easy thing, because everyone knows what belongs in there:  You've got your sink, your commode (that's a toilet where I come from), your tub or shower, and, so you don't leave the house with food in your teeth, a wall mirror.  A little online research and an appliance reconnaissance mission to the Springfield Avenue Home Depot and I'd be on my way to a new bathroom.  I mean, how much could toilets have changed in the years since we moved into our house?

Don't ask questions unless you are prepared to be flabbergasted by the answer, is my new motto.  Turns out I'm still stuck in the 20th century, appliance-wise.  According to a report from the technology gurus at PC World and MSNBC.com, we are witness to a whole new era of improvements that will no doubt revolutionize the way we use our bathrooms.

I, myself, am highly suspicious of reviews like this, because you know what they say:  it's all fun and games while you're testing these products in a lab, but no one's going to be laughing when the interactive toilets start taking pictures of your butt and posting them on Facebook for all your friends and family to see.  Not that I am paranoid, mind you.  But as a public service, I've decided to present a more real-world take on how some of these products will be seen by the typical consumer:

Withing Wi-Fi Scale and iPhone App – Records your weight, fat mass and body mass index and uploads it via Wi-Fi to the internet.  Oh boy, it's not just a reminder of how many Oreos you crammed in your mouth last night, it's a social network too.  Will route your info to your Twitter or Facebook page if you piss it off.

iHouse Smart Faucet – Uses facial recognition to remember how hot you like your bath water.  Also allows you to access the weather and your e-mail in the tub, but no indication as to how you're supposed to return them, since taking your keyboard in the bathtub is technically an electronic no-no.

Oral-B Toothbrush with Wireless Remote - Technically not a major appliance, sure, but I just want to say here and now that the day I need an electric toothbrush with a wireless remote to tell me when the bristles are worn down is the day you need to promise me that you'll come visit me in The Home.

Stocco Matre Touchscreen Mirror - Actually encourages people to touch the mirror to control lighting, defogging, and musical interludes.  OK, now you're just getting on my nerves.  Do they have any idea how much time I spend trying to get the fingerprints OFF my mirrors already?

Toto Talk Interactive Toilet – You really have to hand it to the Japanese.  Who wouldn't love a commode that provides not only the usual services but also will tell you the news, stock quotes and provide daily affirmations as well?  I kid you not.  Hit the button that says "Brown Nosing" and you can start your day knowing that "your bottom is as lovely as ever!"

And if you can't believe your toilet, who can you believe?