Focus on the Grief of the Loss and Not the Cause of Death when Supporting the Bereaved

Whitney Houston, a gifted musical superstar died unexpectedly on February 11, 2012.  I was in the Loews movie theatre picking up tickets when I spotted a news flash on my phone in red letters,  “Whitney Houston dead at the age of 48.” I was shocked and saddened. I loved her music. She was so young. What a loss for all of us and especially for her family and friends. I began to hear people buzzing about the death and then I heard the comments about her years of drug and alcohol addiction, marriage problems and other struggles. I heard people making assumptions as to the cause of death.  I knew that this is what tends to happen, especially if the cause isn’t immediately known. I also knew that it would be a good opportunity for me to remind us that when people have lost someone they love through death, no matter the cause, those people are grieving and need us to be supportive and focus on their loss, and not get caught up in the cause of the death. As for this moment, we don’t know the cause of Whitney Houston’s death, but even when and if we do ever find out, because sometimes we don’t, will finding out lessen the pain of the loss? I think not.

Being a grief counselor, I know that it is easier for most of us be in our heads than in our hearts following a loss. Most of us are more comfortable discussing the whys or how’s around a death, than to be with our own or another’s feelings of grief. Yet grievers need us to be present with them on a feeling level more than on an intellectual level. Their loved one is no longer physically here with them, no matter the cause of death. They may experience many different feelings around the death, but for us as a caring support, we simply need to be there, to sit with them, and to listen to whatever it is they wish to share with us.  

Please don’t ask a griever about the details around the cause of the death. If they want to share that information with you that is up to them, but please don’t be nosy. Many times rumors will begin to circulate when we don’t know the facts and we want to know, so we make up things. Please know that rumors can be very hurtful to those grieving.  When we first learn about a death, we often wonder about the cause. Knowing the cause of death, sometimes without us realizing it, can greatly influence our thoughts and feelings toward the deceased and/or family. When the cause wasn’t due to an illness, disease, accident or something else like that, some unfortunately will think or act differently toward the grieving. It is as if some causes of death change our view of the loss, or minimizes our grief response, yet the cause does not lessen the grief for the family and friends. Many grievers share with me their pain of isolation because those around them don't know what to do or say based on their loved ones cause of a death. Please simply do what you would do if their person had died of cancer. The cause of the death can complicate the grief process, but as a supporter to a person grieving, it is not for us to focus on the cause. I am not saying the cause of death isn’t important. As a grief counselor, the cause of a loved one’s death may be very important to the griever, and is sometimes a major part of the grief work that I help clients with. However, as someone trying to provide comfort and support, we need simply to be there for the person’s grief.  Don’t let yourself get caught up in the cause. Gently remind others around you who may want to engage you in conversations as to the ‘how’ and the’ why’, to remember that the grieving family and friends are missing their person, no matter the why and the how. When you focus on the loss and not the cause, it makes providing support to the bereaved so much easier and less complicated.

Thank you,

Lisa

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