Helping Kids Cope When a Loved One is Seriously Ill

Most adults want to protect children from pain and grief. But when a loved one dies, our children suffer. If we don't talk about the illness and death openly, our children may suffer even more, alone. When we tell children about their loved one, we allow them to learn important lessons about life, death and loss. When we give them permission to grieve and opportunities to express their feelings, thoughts and concerns, we  allow them a chance to receive the love and support they need. We also give them the precious opportunity to say goodbye to their loved one.

Myth #1: My children don't need to know the facts. They probably won't understand anyway. Children depend on caring adults in their lives to explain what is happening to their loved one. Children overhear bits and pieces of conversations or whispering and when left to their own devices, often distort or misinterpret information. Children need the facts in simple developmentally appropriate terms. Tell them enough, but not every detail. Often what they imagine is worse than the truth anyway.  Update them as new information is received. Children have three fundamental needs that if met, enable them to adapt to their world no matter what is happening. 1. Continuous satisfaction of their basic physical and emotional needs. 2. An understanding on their level of what is happening. 3. Reassure  them that they will be cared for no matter what happens.

Myth #2: My children need to be protected from the truth. It is natural to want to protect children, kids can benefit if told the truth about a loved one's illness. When we tell the truth we show them that we trust their ability to cope with painful lessons in life and that we are there to support them. Knowing the truth actually helps children to feel secure in a time of great uncertainty. Children often show more signs of anxiety and depression when they are not involved or allowed to know what is happening. When we share with the, they know that they can count on us to be honest, no matter what.  Remember, if it is mentionable, it is manageable.

Myth #3:  I don't want to show my feelings to my children because I am afraid of upsetting them. Children notice your non-verbal communication and can sense your mood. If you don't tell them why you are feeling what you are feeling, they may not connect your mood to your loved one's illness. Because young children are naturally self centered, they may think that they are the reason for your sadness and pain. You can say, "Today, Mommy is feeling sad because Grandpa is so sick. How are you feeling about Grandpa?"  This allows a chance for your child to talk about all of the feelings that come with the loss of a loved one. Adults need to model healthy coping skills so that children can learn from them. By sharing your own feelings you are teaching them that it is okay for them to show emotions too.  

Myth #4: My children seem to be handling their loved one's dying just fine. If I talk to them about it, I may make things worse. Children often protect the adults around them like the adults protect the children around them. Children will kids their feeling's to avoid causing their family any more stress or pain. A lack of emotion may mean that children are holding their feelings inside until they feel safe enough to let them out, or until they don't have to worry about the adults in their life. Children often act out their grief because they don't know how or don't think they have permission to talk about their feelings. Try to provide plenty of opportunities for them to "get it out". However please don't force children to talk about it if they don't want to.  Drawing, writing, painting, playing, and music can be helpful at this time.  Remember that play is an important way that children express their feelings and concerns and it helps to move "big energy".

Myth #5: I don't want my children to see our loved one ill.  I want them to remember our loved one as he or she was, healthy and whole. Sometimes children are prevented or discouraged from visiting a loved one because adults fear that this will harm the child emotionally. However when children are not allowed to see the decline of a loved one, they often wonder why the loved one died, or worse, they may develop a strong fear of dying. Encourage, but don't force your children to visit your loved one. Dying is part of living. By letting your children see this part of the life cycle, you teach them valuable lessons about life and death. Prepare your child for the visit if the person is in the hospital or has special equipment near them. Tell them what they may see, hear, smell and what they person may look like. If there is an IV set up you can say that it resembles a Capri Sun. Maybe the child would like to bring along something to do with the person or a note or drawing or small toy. The visit may be very short so plan on only a five or ten minute visit. Let the child take the lead. If the child doesn't want to visit offer to video chat if possible or a phone call or for the child to write or dictate a letter or draw a picture that can be sent to the person.

"Be honest with the child and give simple, clear explanations consistent with the child's level of understanding. Be careful not to overload them with too many facts. This information may need to be repeated many times." ~ Pat Schweibert, Tear Soup

A few good books on the subject:

How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness: Supportive, Practical Advice by Kathleen Mc Cue

When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children by Wendy Schlessel Harpham, M.D.

The Grieving Child: A Parent's Guide by Helen Fitzgerald

Children Also Grieve: Talking about Death and Healing by Linda Goldman

The Journey Through Grief and Loss: Helping Yourself and Your Child When Grief is Shared by Robert Zucker

Life and Loss: A Guide to Help Grieving Children by Linda Goldman

Hope this has been helpful. Feel free to comment or to ask questions that I can answer in next week's Blog.

Take care of yourself,

Lisa