Support a Grieving Friend: Simply Show Up, Listen and Share Some Memories

As a grief educator and grief counselor, the most common question I am asked by children, teens and adults is “How can I help someone who is grieving? What should I say or do?” I believe that the most important thing we can ever do for a grieving person is to show up, listen and share some memories.

Show up: this simply means to be present, to go and be with the person physically, if you can and if they want you to.  Not every grieving person wants many people around all the time, but most do appreciate having someone around who can be quiet, calm, comforting and not try to fix them. If you can’t be there, calling or video chatting may be the next best thing. If you can’t call, send a text, write an email, message them through Facebook, or write an old fashioned letter, which they may actually treasure forever.

When you visit with a grieving person, it is important to be present and not distracted. Before you visit or call, perhaps you might want to take a few minutes to calm your own mind, breathe, listen to some relaxing music, or sit quietly and focus your thoughts on the grieving person. You want to try to create a place inside of yourself of calm presence so that when you are with them, your peaceful energy, compassion and attention will be on them completely. That alone is a huge gift to a grieving person.

When you do show up for your grieving friend, try not to use that time to share too much of your own pain. If you were close to the deceased, feel free to share a bit about your own feelings, but remember, if you are going with the intention to support your friend or loved one, then the focus needs to be more on them right now. Please make sure you get your own grief support, which is very important. Sometimes being around a griever may tap into some of our old losses from the past, which may evoke some of our own feelings of grief. Take time later to journal, think about what came up, or talk to another friend or even a counselor about those feelings.

I have heard from quite a few grieving people, especially after losing a child, that when some of their friends who were supposed to be providing them with “grief support” showed up, a few walked in and saw the griever and began expressing more emotional upset than the grieving parents were in that moment. The grieving parents felt obligated to comfort their “comforters”, which didn’t help at that time at all. They didn’t have the energy to help their grieving comforters. Many of these folks later discouraged other visitors from stopping by and choose to just be alone. Unfortunately it may have prevented a few helfpul visitors from coming by.  Please try to take care of yourself before your visit. It is okay to cry but if you are overwhelmed with your own grief, please consider visiting your grieving friend at another time or having someone with you who can take over as a grief companion in case you need to step outside for a bit.  There will be time in the future to comfort one another but for now, the focus needs to be on the griever.  (I am not saying that this never works, to have both people emotionally upset at the same time, just that from the years of listening to grieving folks, it seems to be less helpful for them, especially just after the death, to feel they have to comfort their comforters).

Listen: Let the griever talk. Avoid asking too many questions. Don't judge or tell them how they should feel or think. Be a heart with ears. Listen with compassion. You don't need to know the answers to their questions. Too often we don’t listen completely when someone shares about their loss. We interrupt and ask too many questions. Last year, after a presentation I did, someone shared with me, that her sister had died on 9/11/01, but not from the terrorist attacks. She had died in a car crash. However since it was that day, it felt like her loss was completely overshadowed and minimized by the enormity of our nation’s loss. The date of 9/11 was a very important part of her sharing her story. She told me that it was frustrating because anytime she tried to share her story and mentioned the date; the person listening would immediately start talking about where they were on that day etc. She would never get to finish her own story.  She felt alone and hurt by people’s questions and responses.

A 16 year old high school student shared with me that whenever he would muster up the courage to tell adults about his dad’s death due to cancer, many would stop him mid sentence to ask where the cancer had been located in his dad’s body, what hospital he had gone to, what treatment he had etc. None of these questions were helpful and unfortunately instead of inviting the teenager to share more, it simply served to shut him down. He told me that sharing his story with me was the first time he ever got to say the whole thing without being interrupted with questions that really had nothing to do with what he was sharing. Please don’t be a reporter when listening. This is especially true if a death is due to suicide, homicide, drug overdose or any other sudden and tragic loss. Please remember that you are supporting the grieving person, and being a compassionate listener, and not interviewing them for a story for NJ.com. Each time a grieving person shares their story they are healing a little bit more. Your listening to them is part of their healing process.

Sharing Memories: I can’t tell you how many grievers have sat with me over the years and shared with me how important it was for them to have people around them just to listen to them share memories, as well as to share any of their own memories and stories with them. We may not have known the deceased person, but we probably knew how much that person meant to our friend. We may share reflections such as one young woman I knew shared with me that she told her friend and co-worker, after the friend’s grandmother had died. She didn’t know her friend’s grandma. She said, “I will always remember what a dedicated granddaughter you were to your grandma. You visited her every week, called her on the phone and sent her cards. I remember all the time you used to spend looking for the perfect large print book on Amazon to send to her. You really were a wonderful granddaughter. I bet she so appreciated all of the time you gave to her. I am sure you are going to miss her a lot.”

Maybe you did know the person who your friend or loved one has lost. In that case share memories. I often suggest that you share them verbally but also in writing too. Sometimes when we are grieving we are not able to remember things. Often people share wonderful stories at a funeral or service but the grieving person may be so distracted and even numb, that they may not remember those great stories. Put them on paper. Many funeral homes now even supply paper and pens to encourage visitors to write down stories. They are priceless.  I would want your friend to have your memories in writing so that as time goes by, and friends and relatives who are around in the first days, start to go back to their own lives, the grieving person has letters to read that will touch their heart. There is nothing like reading letters that show ways that our loved ones have touched the lives of others.  When my mom died 19 years ago, I loved receiving the very few letters that were handwritten and that shared a story or two about my mom.  Some made me laugh, some made me cry, but they all meant the world to me.

Often when an adult dies, they leave children or other relatives behind. I encourage people to ask the deceased person’s co-worker’s to share stories in writing about the person.  We may know our parent, sibling or grandparent as a family member, but we didn’t know them as an employee or a volunteer. It has been heartwarming to see what children, teens and adults have shared with me over the years that they received by people from their loved one’s place of work or club they belonged to, or place of worship, that touched their hearts in a profound way. Maybe you are thinking about someone now that you didn’t do that for.  It is never too late to send a note with a memory. Sometimes it is years later that a memory comes and it is a great time to share it in a note letting the person know you were thinking of them.  I just had a client come in after losing her husband recently, and she brought in a beautiful full page, typed letter written by one of her husband's co-worker’s. It shared what he had learned from her husband not only about the job, but also about life. The words he wrote were so touching. What a wonderful gift that person did in just taking the time to write that letter. My client told me that she and her adult children will always cherish it.  

When I speak to teens in schools following the death of another student, I always ask them to consider sharing in writing some positive, touching or even funny stories and memories of that teenager, which can then be collected and sent to the grieving family. I tell them how much it means to the teen’s parents and family. I have had many bereaved parents in my office who have told me how meaningful and heartwarming it was to read so many wonderful notes about how their child touched the lives of others. Quite a few grieving parents have also shared with me how touching it was to them, to look at their teen’s Facebook page and read the many comments from other teens who miss their child too.  So many of those comments provide strength and comfort to grieving families. One mom recalled how difficult it was for her to get out of bed on the first Thanksgiving morning after the death of her teenage daughter. She sadly got up and went on her daughter’s Facebook page, which she had done from time to time since the death, and was so surprised and comforted on that Thursday morning,  to read a note posted that morning, written by a friend of her daughter’s to her and her husband telling them that the two of them were in her thoughts and prayers on this first Thanksgiving with out their daughter.  The mom cried and told me it meant the world to her to know that her daughter has not been forgotten and neither had she. It is so wonderful to know that our loved one are remembered.

I hope that some of these thoughts and ideas help some of you the next time you comfort a grieving friend.

One of my all time favorite books to give to a grieving person is Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert, a nurse who has worked in bereavement for over 30 years. It is a wonderful book.

For more information on grief and loss please visit my website:

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"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing...not healing, not curing...that is a friend who cares."~ Henri Nouwen

Take care of yourself and others,

Lisa