Health & Fitness
The Mystery of the Missing Halloween Candy....
There's a candy thief in your house and you know who it is!
If you are a parent, or a caretaker of children of trick or treating age, you are already laughing because you know where I'm going with this one! When I was little and my sisters and I used to trick to treat, we would come home on Halloween night, sit on the floor, then proceed to sift through our candy. Taking stock of them and counting them according to specifics. 10 bags of m&m's! 14 snickers! 5 nestle crunch bars... and so on and so forth. For some odd reason, the next day, when we would go back to have a treat, there always seemed to be a few missing from the pile....and we could never figure out why. WELL. Sorry kids, but it's going to take you a few more years to realize that there's a thief in your house. A Halloween candy eating thief! Who will *think* you don't realize that there's two less peanut butter cups then there were yesterday...
Stop lying moms and dads...you've done it! Find me the parent who has NEVER taken a piece of candy out of their kids basket! I dare you. You can't...because it doesn't exist! So with that being said (and this article written with satirical humor, so relax yourself...) I'm going to run down the list of the treats that your kid gets, that are not worth even a second glance on Halloween night at 10 pm when your adorable children have crashed after their sugar high. I've tried them all...so I know! Here we go:
1. Smarties. Little round colored disks that taste like my kids vitamins. Eat their vitamins instead, at least you can pretend your getting your daily dose of vitamin C.
2.Good N Plenty. If you like black licorice covered in an egg shell of tasteless candy coating, these are your dream come true. I'll pass!
3. Gummy anything. Should come with a box of floss attached. My teeth hurt just looking at them.
4. Candy necklace. If I'm going to *eat* a necklace...it better be made of candy BACON. Pass this one up if you have a shred of decency...your kids will get a kick out of wearing it and slowly biting the candy off of it until they bite the string by accident, then the candy is all over your floor. Bring tissues with the candy necklace, as there will be tears to follow.
5. Candy corn. Whoever invented candy corn should be given the worst candy EVER award! I'm going to dump my sugar bowl into a cup of maple syrup, add red and orange food coloring and smash it into little triangles. They even have candy corn shaped like pumpkins and little turkeys at thanksgiving. SO CUTE... This goes into the same category of "Peeps"...the marshmallow devils you see at every store, for every holiday, in every shape imaginable. Just say NO!
6. Lemon Heads. I can think of a few people I would call this name, but not eating these little yellow, phony lemon tasting, choking hazards!
7. Plain Hershey bars. Ok...there's a time and a place for these guys. Smashed on a graham cracker with a warm marshmallow on top. By themselves on Halloween, they're a complete bore....although for some reason Hershey kisses are on my go for it list. Anything with the name *kiss* in it has to pass the test!
8. Sweet Tarts. They are like a ginormous twin of a "smartie" and need to be avoided at all cost. Every year my daughter insists I try them again because they're "SOOOO GOOD"...so if you're into playing minecraft and watching "Icarly" you may like these, but my opinion they're a no go.
9. Pixie sticks. Straws that have sour flavored powder inside them that you pour into your mouth. I'd rather starve...
10. Any lollipop that is bright blue or green. It's SUPER cute when your 6 year old grins and his teeth look like he ate cookie monster. You? NOT SO MUCH. Avoid these unless you want to see blue or green on your toothbrush for days. You'll thank me when no one at work is talking about YOU behind your back!
So there you have it! My top 10 candy choices that should be left to the twelve and under crowd. Just a helpful hint parents...there's usually one FABULOUS house that gives out the holy grail of candy, the giant bar that's bigger then your kids hand. Let them gaze at it and "save" it because its too awesome to eat. That one is off limits. The rest? Game on....
Up next time: Who really eats Santa's milk and cookies...? :-)
